you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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