They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
