My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
