I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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