White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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