If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
