you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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