I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
