I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
