I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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