so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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