Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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