...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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