I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
