I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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