You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
