WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
