shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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