i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
