There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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