areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
