# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
