so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
