$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
