Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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