I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
