Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
