Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
