K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
