Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
