just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
