apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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