I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
