she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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