i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
