have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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