no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
