At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
