The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
