woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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