He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
