dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
