I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Randomize
