I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
