i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The air was thick with penises
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
