I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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