I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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