My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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