my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
