Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
