but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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