I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
