seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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