I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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