his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
