Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
